I'm looking for a job...

...and Craigslist is full of questionable ads. Behold:

Black models/actresses needed (not porn)

We are a legitimate Production team with a few rap/hiphop videos in the works and we need video vixens to bring the videos to the next level. More specifically, we are looking for beautiful black females, ages 18-35, who don't mind posing in swim suits and form fitting clothing. No nudity or sexual scenes. Please reply via email with
1. Name
2. Birthday
3. 3-4 pictures (at least one close up)
4. Pay requirements

Looking for a typist

Looking for a open-minded female to type up a manuscript for me that I hope to get published.

Models needed ASAP

Females needed for various modeling/video projects. No experience required. No fees to you, and is located in the Greensboro/High Point area.
All types/looks and ages considered.

If interested, forward pic(s) with this email for more information.

Must be at least 18, a US citizen and have a valid picture ID

Thanks!

Back Rub

I need a back rub... a real back rub, I don't care if you are licensed or not, that is just a way that raleigh screws all of us... I just want my shoulders massaged, and lower back... nothing more, nothing less, a real not dirty massage. I was thinking like $25 for like 35 minutes... surely there is someone out there that can do this at their place... if you do a good job I might use this service like once a week or once every two weeks... And although I have nothing against guys... I would prefer a female to give me the back rub... I just would rather a female I know that sounds weird but maybe it is...

I wonder what they teach you in training

Maid to Tease (Greensboro)

Maid to Tease is looking to hire sexy women in NC to cook,
clean or perform light housekeeping work. You can be part
of an exclusive service. All housekeepers will be in a safe
and comfortable work atmosphere. We are looking for
females between 18 and 35, you must have a sexy body type.
Ideal candidate is reliable, outgoing, friendly, and loves
making lots of money. Reliable transportation and flexible
schedule is a must! No experience necessary. Will train
the right people. Huge money making opportunity! Most of the
time, the Maid to Tease staff earn over $75 per hour with salary
and tips.

Please send a recent photo(s) of yourself. The photo should
include your face & body shot that is clear and sexy in nature.
These photos will only be used for hiring purposes only
and will not be sold or used in any inappropriate manner as we
are a professional business. Please email your photo(s).

Welcome to creeptown

Hiring white female for paid Foot project (Greensboro)

We are seeking a few attractive white females ages 18 through 28 for a paid female empowerment/foot project. experience is not required or preferred. The girl next door look is ok. Your shoe size should be between 6 and 11. You should have somewhat attractive feet and be physically fit. no nudity is required. This project is for a private client only. Please call or email for full details. 704.724.5562 days are best.

I'm sure that I cannot even fathom the level of empowerment achieved by a Foot project participant.

Thanks, but I'll stick with drinkability.

Ashbrook's odd subject lines continue:

$850 / 2br - Our apartments are so hot-n-ready, Little Ceasers is jealous!

$745 / 1br - Drinkability? Try Livability
$865 / 2br - GTL at Ashbrook!*

$820 / 2br - Like Whoa! What's this manager thinking? 

$845 / 2br - Looking for a boring apartment? DO NOT CLICK!

$760 / 2br - Spacious Airy One bedroom seeks perfect match!

$775 / 1br - Spacious Airy Apartment looking for long term relationship!


*Stands for Gym, Tan, Laundry. Definition from Urban Dictionary:

The process of staying fresh and mint. Stands for "Gym, tan, laundry." Must be done everyday to achieve maximum potential. Side effects include fist pumping. Coined by the eloquent Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from MTV's ground breaking Jersey Shore.

Does the "laundry" part of this just mean "wearing clean clothes"? Or do I literally need to be washing my clothes every day? I demand clarification.  

Walker, Texas Ranger wants to be your neighbor.

$825 / 2br - Chuck Norris would live here, so why don't you!

Description of Chuck Norris's dream apartment complex:

A tranquil refuge along a quiet stream in Carrboro, Ashbrook is secluded yet convenient to Chapel Hill, UNC and the Research Triangle Park. Spacious interiors look out on beautiful wooded views. Close to bust stops and shopping, you are in the center of it all! We have a business center with Wifi , a 24 hour pool and fitness center and a nature trail so whatever you like to do, you can find it at Ashbrook! Looking for the best place to call home? We have an APT for that! Call Ashbrook home starting at only $825!

Photo via intrawebnet

This apartment complex totally gets me. I am a twenty-something who knows about the internet. I can launch my new start-up from their business center! They have an "APT" for that! Ha!

Correction: Barf.

Also, Chuck Norris is so 2008, amirite? I'm pretty sure Charlie Sheen is the new internet meme or whatever. #losing

Well, this was inevitable.

T core & Shake Weight - $60

Brand new shake weight & T core never been used . I am selling BOTH for $60.00 ! 

Perhaps this person didn't realize they were purchasing exercise equipment.

Gross. Sorry, everyone.

Teddy Ruxpin, you've been replaced.

TJ Bearytales - $30

$30 - T.J. Bearytales and 3 additional books and cartirdges. The bear comes with a built in cartidge and it comes with a book to go along with it. Cartridges and books sell from $24-$68 on Amazon and bear sells for $198.

(Photo by Amazon.com)

This is the beginning of Amazon's Editorial Review of TJ Bearytales:

You know how preschoolers just can’t get enough of story time? How there’s always a request for one more, and just one more after that? If you’re like most parents, you’d love to oblige your curious child as his mind expands and grows...but there are those dishes to be washed and errands to be run. Here’s your chance to let someone else step in for a moment! T.J. Bearytales is your man. Or bear.

What?